Blue Eyes Designs

So I wrote this paper a few weeks ago for my movement class about my
relationship with my body. I didn’t really care for it or the assignment, but a few people have read it and said nice things about it. I still think it’s kinda silly/stupid, but I’ll share anyways. L suggested I start it with, “My body and I broke up….” so here goes…

My body and I broke up a few years ago. I blamed a lot on my body when it didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want to be around it. I thought it was the root of my social problems. I was unfair to my body after all that it had been through. A very long time ago, when we were both young, my body started attacking itself. We were able to save it, in whole and in part, but it’s been less-than-healthy since. I have to pay attention to what I feed my body and I have to take medications to nourish my body.

Every few months I try to get back in touch with my body by starting a healthier diet and an exercise routine. My body usually doesn’t appreciate the additional work and usually within a few weeks, we’re barely on speaking terms. Each day we have a confrontation, my body and I. I get out of bed, I look to the left and there it is: the mirror. This is my body’s chance to get even for the slouching,
the potato chips and the late nights. I am reminded of how I neglect my body. This is revenge, and the disappointment I taste is bitter. It’s been this way most of my life, it and I. I don’t think about it as it actually is. It feels smaller until I look in the mirror or step on a scale. I wish it away; I wish it taller, leaner, neater, and different.

Through all this, I try to think about my body as little as possible. I have some problems with my body, but in the end, my body is part of me and I have come to accept it. In fact, there are parts of my body that one might think I want to replace, but I don’t. These parts are part of me. They have shaped me as I have grown and they have been there for me when I needed them the most. My arms turn the pages when I learn. My legs carry me for place to place. My fingers and mouth help me communicate thoughts and idea and hope and fears and wishes and dreams. As far as things are concerned, I count myself blessed to be able to move without pain and not worry about ‘my bad ____’.

Even though, my body makes it hard for me to find clothes that fit, in which I feel comfortable and in which I am comfortable with people seeing me. I wanted to hide my body for a long time, dressing in big, baggy clothes and trying to ignore the shape I didn’t want to have. Now that I speak to my body a bit more, I feel that I should respect myself and my body and dress in clothes that are nice, clean and flattering, even if they’re aren’t the latest style.

My body likes moving and stretching. My body likes the feel of the wind rushing by my ears, the rhythmic thud of feet to the pavement. We just don’t do it enough to be able to do it for long. My body likes swimming, pulling the water past me in smooth, fluid, strokes. My body likes the subtle soreness of a job well done, the feeling of achievement. My body likes running four laps today, when last week I could only run two. My body doesn’t like being caught by exercise unawares. My body likes regularity, if only I could find it.

Some days I am fearful that my body might start to attack itself, and me, again. Because of this, I try to enjoy every day that I have as I am, while I am healthy. No one knows much about what causes my body to do what it does. I have to trust my body to support me, otherwise I could spend my whole life worrying about it. I have to be careful with my decisions; what I do to my body could have effects no one could predict. My body should be able to trust me to support it.

In reality, I am in awe of my body. So many systems, working together, letting me move and talk and run and play. My senses processing many different types of stimulus, telling me about the world around me. My skeleton, giving me structure, my muscles holding it together, my nerves the signal wires, keeping it all connected. To think that it’s all run on small chemical signals and microscopic cell interaction, each cell with its purpose; it’s amazing to think that, at one point in my life, I was a little babe, and before that, a bundle of cells with so much potential.

I’m hoping to use this term as a jumping-off point for, once and for all, fulfilling my physical potential, getting my body in a condition in which I’m healthiest, and finally feeling comfortable in a bathing suit. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and scheduling, but I think that the business and tightly scheduled term that it is working out to be alright will only benefit from the occasional stress-release that a workout can bring. It needs to become a habit, and I think it can be, starting now.